Lying.

I’d be lying if I sat here and told you that I was always 100% accepting of my present situation.

I’d be lying if I said that I am always patient in my recovery because I know it takes time and it can’t be rushed.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t jealous of people my age who have been experiencing life for the past 3 years when I sat/sit here sick/recovering and watch them post their adventures and nights out all over Facebook and Instagram.

I’d be lying if I said that I’m 100% content with the physical feature progress I’ve made in terms of weight loss. I mean, I am proud but holy shit, could my gut please just f***ing go down to a normal damn size already?! Waist is a damn XL/XXL while my legs and ass are equal to an XS/S. AKA NOTHING FITS. And because of my damn gut, I have to buy XL shirts while everything on me is a S/M.

“Cat, just get over it. You’re doing amazing so far. You’ve come so far.”

I know, I know. But some days, I just have to allow myself to feel the anger. I’ve found that when I fight the bad feelings, it actually takes an even bigger mental toll on me.

Allowing myself to have days where I wallow in self-pity actually helps me release the bad feelings so I can start fresh the next day (hopefully, if I’m not feeling as sick as the day before). This is something I learned quickly before I had surgery and continue to have to do after. I didn’t gain weight overnight (although that’s how it feels) so it won’t go away overnight. I didn’t show symptoms overnight (ok, again, feels like it did), so they won’t go as quickly. Some did but not all.

Today, I feel horrible.

My head feels like it’s going to explode. My cat woke me up at 3:30am and when I got up, I thought my brain was going to explode inside my skull and through my ears. The pressure I felt inside my head and in my ears was so intense, I thought I was going to pass out right then and there.

It’s 7:30pm as I write this and guess what? The pressure ain’t gone. Yeah I took some pill to help with it, but nope. Didn’t leave.

Me thinks it’s a tension headache from stress the past 2 weeks but who the hell knows. All I know is I hope my brain doesn’t explode when I go on a plane because that would be unfortunate and a waste of $, ya feel?

I’m really upset today that I won’t be able to enjoy my vacation to the extent I wish I could. I want to go to the beach in a bikini – not going to happen. Sad that I won’t be able to feel the sun on most of my body – it’ll be covered in shirts. That I won’t have the energy to be out late and enjoy the night life.

All I can do, though, is hope for the absolute best when it comes to my trip. To enjoy the moments I can enjoy. To give myself the relaxation I deserve. To read, reflect, enjoy the sand between my toes. Feel the ocean water against my legs. Enjoy the good food my vacation location has to offer. Enjoy the faces I only get to see every few years.

This is all just a part of my remission. Cushing’s is a disease where just because you had surgery, doesn’t mean you’re better. It’s a 1-2 year process and people will shrug it off because they can’t see where I was operated (shout out to transsphenoidal endoscopic surgery – that procedure really brings a new meaning to “digging for gold”. When they go up your nose, they really get right up in there and into your brain… Corny, I know, whatever. It was funny).

I may be six months post-op (see picture below), but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’ve been newly operated on all over again. If you read through this rant, bless you. Some days are just not easy and a girl needs to vent.

2 thoughts on “Lying.

  1. I’m a little over 2 months post op., and it seems like I’m reading my own story wow. I’m not happy you’re struggling, but it’s nice to know there are others feeling the same way. I don’t know what I’d do if I hadn’t connected with a Cushing’s facebook group of woman I can talk to and ask questions about anything. A couple weeks after my surgery everyone figured I was better, and I’m like “no I’m actually getting worse from tapering off steroids” I usually lose people when I start talking about cortisol, HC, Pituitary, etc. So, anyways, thanks for your posts, I’ve signed up to follow you:)

    1. Hi Crystal!
      So happy you had surgery and that you’re on your way to getting better. It is really hard when people just assume you’re okay. It’s hard because our physical scars are internal so if I ever tell someone online I had surgery, then I meet them in person they look at me funny right away and I have to explain how it was brain surgery through the nose and then they’re like ohhhh!! Because I come off looking like a liar since they can’t see it.
      You’ll get used to having to explain yourself – it’s so annoying but you get used to it.

      Thank you πŸ™‚ I have a FB page/instagram called Crush Cushing’s if you want to follow there too. We can connect in so many ways ☺️

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