Reset.

Mentally, I’m struggling. Hard. I’d spoken to a few Cushing’s Survivors and they had increased anxiety and depression. Some said theirs went away. My anxiety and depression were already bad, I couldn’t imagine it getting any worse.

I was wrong. So wrong.

About a month and a half into remission, I started feeling empty. Useless. I knew that’s how my depression was making a major comeback. I started feeling panicked, too. Doubting myself. “I can’t drive there by myself”. “I’m not improving”. “It’s coming back”. “What’s the point of my life right now? I’m literally doing nothing with my life”. All these thoughts and more came flooding in.

My boyfriend made a good argument as to why I need to try my best to shake off the “what is the point of my life right now?” feeling. He said my current purpose is to heal. To put myself first. And he’s right. I need to put myself first. I keep putting others first because I feel like I need to still please people even though my body is going through crazy changes. I owe no one anything. Absolutely no one. If people can’t understand that? Good bye. Adios. I don’t need you in my life.

My recovery is not considered recovery until my 1 year appointment where we see if there are no cells growing back in my brain. Although my surgery was through my nose and it doesn’t look like I’m sick or was operated on, it was still brain surgery.

I still had something in my brain (the most important organ in your body, mind you), messing my WHOLE body up. The pituitary gland controls pretty much everything in your body. Read up on it, educate yourself if you don’t believe me because I know a few people who pretended to care, but really didn’t. I wasn’t just “fat” or complaining once in a while about my pains – they were chronic, real and killing me. Non-malignant tumours kill. Don’t dismiss someone who says they have a non-malignant tumour in their brain – it’s your brain. Just take a moment to think about that.

So basically, what I want to get at is – even though I said I’m going to post once a week… I’m not holding myself to that anymore. I keep feeling guilty every Monday that I don’t post a review or anything. I’ll post content when I can/want to. Physically, I’m not always well and mentally I’m definitely not okay. I spend too much time on social media and seeing people live their lives while I’m still stuck mostly resting and not being able to do as many things as I want to. I’ll answer or read messages whenever it damn well pleases me. I don’t have to read things right away. My priority is not Facebook or twitter.

All in all, I’m going to start putting myself first again. I was for a while then somehow lost it a month and a half into remission. Posts will come when I want them to. I’ll post on social media when I want to and I’ll check it when I want to. Until I’m better physically and mentally, I’m going to lower my social media exposure and spend more time healing, going outside, spending time with loved ones and learning things. I lost a bit of my life for a couple of years and now that I’m off for a year, I want to find myself again. I want to focus on the things that are truly important in life.

If you read this, you’re a trooper. I appreciate it, thank you.

2 thoughts on “Reset.

  1. Hey there!

    My name is Nina! I am a 23 years old from Rochester, New York. I have been following you on instagram for a few months now. I, like you, had Cushings (pituitary tumor). I had my surgery at Massachusetts General in Boston November 30. I just wanted to let you know I have been where you are post surgery. It’s so though. I know everyone is different, but I like you suffered from sometimes debilitating anxiety long before I was diagnosed with Cushings. About a month and a half to two months after surgery I felt like I was in a really dark place. I remember thinking, “I thought this was suppose to help with this. My anxiety should be better not worse. I should look so much better than I do right now! I look the same.” For me, at about month 3 to 3.5 things really turned around. I can’t put my finger on what changed then, but I suddenly felt more calm, mentally healthy and positive, than I had ever felt. This disease sucks! I totally get it. I just wanted to let you know from a person who is also pretty new post surgery, it gets better! Hang in there. I now feel like everything I went through is worth it, because I feel better than I have ever felt. Do I wish the weight was coming off quicker? Of course! Do I wish I no longer had a hump on the back of my neck, round Face and double chin? Definitely! What I can tell you is that for me I realized at least I’m making some progress. I compare old pictures from right before my surgery to now and I’m definitely headed in the right direction. Patience is so hard, but I keep telling myself it will be so worth it.

    My email is NinaK2011@gmail.com if you ever want someone to chat, vent, etc… with. Sometimes it’s nice to know there is someone out there who totally gets it.

    Best wishes and positive vibes coming your way !

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