Look at me – I managed to make a follow-up post without going months between posts. Baby steps to improvement, hah! For those of you who read my last post, “366”. You would’ve read all about my goals for the year and a tiny little update on how I’m doing since my first post back in October about wanting to change myself for the better.
The road to figuring out what is causing these problems in my gut has not been an easy one. I’m gaining muscle mass everywhere except in my gut/back area which are simply not improving whatsoever. I dished out money I saved up for a food sensitivity testing and finally got it done yesterday!! My blood (yeah, that’s right) is now currently being shipped to Vancouver where it’ll take 4-6 weeks for results to come back as to what I’m sensitive to. I’m praying this is what will help me get 100% back on track in terms of energy, my skin, hormones and my stomach. My body is so incredibly out of whack I just cannot handle it anymore. Bending over, a task that shouldn’t hurt, hurts daily some weeks and no matter what I do (warm teas, chicken bone broth etc), doesn’t ease the pain too much. I’m always exhausted no matter how much I relax and I always, ALWAYS feel sick in a nauseous way (common symptom of inflammation). I’m not good with figuring out exactly which foods trigger my inflammation which is why I got this done. I was doing an elimination diet with my naturopath but inflammation can occur up to 3 days after ingesting a food, so it really is difficult to tell sometimes what exactly it is that is triggering how I am feeling. Some people can really sense what it is that is bothering them exactly but for me it is difficult and I’m done suffering/swelling up like a balloon so this is why I decided to invest in myself (Side note: Totally sipping on some ginger tea with added lemon pieces inside to help soothe my upset stomach *thumbs up*).
Today I was looking through my phone and found a photo of myself a week and a half after my 22nd birthday last year. I was so incredibly happy with myself and my life and it really hit me today just how miserable I am. Sure I didn’t have much muscle back then, now I have more which is covered with a bit of fluff but alas, I was happy.
I’m always moody, I’m constantly upset and I’ve never been so self-conscious about my body before. I’m constantly breaking out on my face, chest and back and I NEVER had that problem (thank you, hormonal imbalance). Now, I will say that when I was underweight I wasn’t happy with it either… I didn’t have energy back then and wanted to look healthy but I couldn’t eat properly due to so much anxiety. The difference was, I didn’t always mind going out in public, I was okay with revealing myself and being myself and now, the thought of going to class, going to get groceries or even having to deal with the public at work (I work at a mall where my co-workers, customers and fellow mall workers are just absolutely gorgeous and stylish) scares the absolute crap out of me. There is not one day or hour that goes by that my gut is not on my mind and when I’m in public, all I can think about is people noticing it and how big my face has gotten. I’m not huge, I know that (for those of you who do see me every day and disagree when I say I feel massive), but for someone my size it is and for someone who didn’t gain/lose more than 5 pounds in 6 years, the amount I’ve gained in 7-8 months is a lot to take mentally. Especially when you don’t fully understand what is going on and the measures you’re taking aren’t helping.
Anywho, my update isn’t much. It was more about me ranting and letting some emotion out. I’ll definitely be updating once I get a report from my naturopath on the results of my sensitivities. For now, I’m just really going to focus on my diet, sleep, physical activity and school. It’s my final semester and I am trying to do incredibly well (Dean’s list, ya feel me?) and not burn out like I did at the end of the semester.
Thanks as always for reading and showing love and support ❤ I only hope in sharing tiny bits of my story that I can help someone with theirs. Don’t ever be afraid to ask loved ones for help if you need it! I know it isn’t always easy (families can be the hardest critics sometimes), but they’ll come around eventually when they realize how serious something that seems so little at first, can be.