October 13, 2016 update:
Been one year since I wrote this and seriously… wow. Crazy to think that less than a year after writing this, I have a diagnosis. A reason why I couldn’t help myself.
It’s insane to think that a 4mm tumour, a tumour smaller than the size of an eraser at the end of a pencil, could cause so much harm on someone.
Reading back to parts about discussing my midsection growing and being unhappy with myself.. I wanted to make changes. Did them, but nothing happened. A year later and I’m so lucky to have a diagnosis where I’m working on taking the steps to surgery for a very long recovery. Thank you to everyone who has stuck by me in the past 1.5-2years of this.
This is a bit of a personal post and has nothing to do with my favourite products or clothing etc. It isn’t an easy post to be making but here it goes.
Those who are close with me will know that about a year ago, I was 85-90lbs at 5’3″. I was underweight for about 6 years of my life and I couldn’t gain any weight. No, I didn’t have an eating disorder but I do have severe anxiety/panic disorder and that caused me to have a lot of digestion issues and it suppressed my appetite quite a bit. Majority of my days my anxiety was so severe that my stomach was so incredibly tightened that if I ate a few bites, I felt incredibly full while still feeling hungry. It was absolutely frustrating but I slowly got better. Periods where I could eat normally, I still didn’t gain any weight and I was so tiny. But last year I finally got on track with letting go of some negativity I was holding onto for over a year and although it was very difficult for me, I mentally and physically got better. I was able to eat properly, eat more, and gain weight. Going to the gym has helped me incredibly.
In the past year, I have put on 40-45ish pounds and on a little person like me, that’s a lot. A bit of it is muscle and a lot of it is fat. Going to the gym and lifting weights definitely helped aid in this. At first it was steady but then -it seems like it was out of no where- I was huge. I mean, I’m not massive. I’m big for someone my size and I don’t like it. I’m done with crying about myself, my weight, etc. I’m done with not being confident in my body. So I’m doing something for myself.
A lot of the time, I didn’t push myself too incredibly hard at the gym in fear of what people would think of me – wrong form, girl lifting weights at the gym, or how I look doing something. At this point, I’m that upset with myself that I’ve finally reached a point where I simply just do not give a crap who stares at me, what they think or if they think I’m doing something wrong in their eyes. I am up in the gym for me and no one else. If I don’t do something for myself, it’ll never get done and no one can do it for me. This isn’t a journey to getting “skinny”, this is a journey to getting to a healthy weight. (Disclaimer: there is absolutely nothing wrong in being skinny or big – do what you want with your own body. I just don’t like mine).
I’m not looking at the scale anymore, I’m purely going to focus on my physique and possibly step on the scale every few months just to have a general idea of where I am at. The scale doesn’t always matter and people will judge regardless of how I look and what weight I am at. I just want to look strong, be strong and enjoy my body. I’m going to continue tracking my macros since I am on a cut and now tend to over eat (oops) and then reverse diet into higher macros and keep it that way. One thing I am so adamant about is not tracking my macros like a psycho – knowing myself, that will be my downfall into an ED and that is never the goal of macros. I’m tracking for the sole purpose of ensuring I do not over eat and seeing how well I am treating my body with what I put into it. Food is fuel!
I’ll also be seeing a naturopath to help me with my mid-section seeing as that is the only place on my body that is not improving. Finding the root cause from within, I believe, will help better my journey. I’ve tried so many different things and getting professional help, I’m hoping, will only help improve the results I’m looking to find.
Pretty sure none of these girls will ever see this, but I have the following fitness ladies I look up to on a daily basis for their constant motivation, whether or not they think they are giving motivation. They all started somewhere, fought battles with themselves, have had bad days but always continue to strive. I’d love to thank Katy Hearn, Brianna Neely, and Brittany Lesser. There are so many more but these four women are always such a positive source of energy mentally and physically and they honestly give me so much motivation to better myself on days where I just can’t seem to be able to find it within myself.
Point of this was to say that this site as well as my instagram and twitter will now be the three places where I will post my progress and have as places to hold myself accountable. I am currently finishing up battling a cold so the gym has been put on hold for a few days but the day I get back is the day it begins. I’m nervous, I’m scared- I’m not confident in myself and I’m worried what others will say but honestly – F it. I’m here to better myself and I want to track my progress. If anyone ever wants to chat about my journey or your own, feel free to contact me @ firstname.lastname@example.org. I’m also always looking for positive advice, so feel free to send any my way!
Thank you for taking the time to read this 🙂